Humor from great minds

• As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and Ican't remember the other  two...  -- Sir Norman Wisdom
• One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe
• A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! -- Doug Larson
• A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!   -- Eric Bolton
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Erno Philips
• I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
• Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge
• Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
• Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen
• If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -- Erica Jong
• Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
• Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
• In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. -- Joey Adams
• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
• Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? -- Benny Hill

Do you know them all?